Introducing the Inaugural Power Seven

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I’m no idiot.

Wait, let me rephrase: I’m no dummy.

I may be crazy. I may have lapses in judgment from time-to-time. I may come up with some of the most insane scenarios about football players that you’ll ever see.

But I know when something works, and when something else doesn’t.

In my case, on this site, it seems like the most popular posts have to do with lists. Specifically, the “36 New Ideas for Hobbies” post and this season’s NFL Power Rankings.

For a while, I’ve been trying to think of something that I can put on the blog on a semi-regular basis to “keep it fresh” over the boooooring spring and summer months, what with their annoying warm temperatures and ample amounts of sunshine. How in the hell is a website supposed to compete with that?

Well folks, I think I have an idea.

I call it “The Power Seven.”  

“Why seven?” Because I’m too busy to do more than that!

Every week or two (leaning toward two right now because I’m working on so much fiction, editing, etc. at the moment), I’m going to put out a list of seven things, sorted much like the Power Rankings.

Notice that I didn’t necessarily say “seven best” or “seven worst” or “seven median.” Can I even use “median” like that? I JUST DID!

I’m thinking about this as an experiment that can go in a lot of different ways.

These seven things won’t even necessarily fit a set category, though I will have those from time-to-time. I may intersperse random rants because they’re too damned fun to write. If you like the power rankings, I think you’ll enjoy these columns, even if it takes a while to focus them.

Be warned: I’m making it a goal to increase the visibility of fellow indie authors from time-to-time, so I may include a book or two here or there that I think folks might enjoy. Know that such appearances aren’t sponsored (I can’t promise that they won’t ever be, but I’ll make every effort to keep it that way), and I’m just putting those on there in the interest of generating good karma for others so that hopefully the universe will see fit to throw some my way eventually.

With that out of the way, I give you, the inaugural POWER SEVEN:

7. Work Update: I’m going to lead off each one of these with what I’m currently working on at the moment, in part to get the word out, and in part to hold myself accountable, given that I’m so busy with so much stuff right now.

“Well then, if you’re so busy, what the hell are you working on? You already finished your book!”

Ha-HA! If only it was so easy! One book does not a writer make.

If I want to have any traction at all, I have to keep writing…and writing…and writing…

Fortunately, it’s the one thing in life that I really enjoy doing.

At the moment, I’m working on a heavy edit of the Debt of Souls trilogy, a collection of books I initially wrote as one mega-novel at this time last year. I figure each book probably has a good 10,000-30,000 more words in it or so, but I still hope to release them before June. Now that I’ve completed the covers as a part of Dean Wesley Smith’s online cover workshop (highly recommend it to Indie Authors or aspiring Indie Authors out there), they should be pretty much good to go as soon as I clean them up, get the proofs, and do one final edit.

I’m also working on a book called Hack that I’m going to release in three parts, about an ornery old cuss of a baseball manager and the secrets that folks keep. I’m currently 35,500 words in; part one has already been shipped off to the beta readers. I hope to have the whole thing out by opening day.

I’m also happy to announce that I released a (very) short story called Robo Rooter yesterday. It’s currently free on Smashwords and Kobo, and $0.99 on Amazon and B&N (though hopefully it’ll go “free” on those sites shortly). It’s good for a chuckle or two if you’re interested.

Aside from that, I’m working on some non-fiction books under a pen name, as well as a satirical, experimental project that has room to expand into a full-length novel.

Oh, and of course, the sequel to JWATT, which I’m about 10,000 words into or so.

So to answer your question…plenty. 

6. Wool, by Hugh Howey. It’s a huge cop-out to lead off with one of the most successful indie books of all time, but I’m reading Hugh Howey’s Wool right now, and so far, it’s pretty badass. The best way I can describe it is “Life in a vault from Fallout 3.” Even if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, if you’re kind of interested in sci-fi, I’d highly recommend it.

5. Greg Schiano Road Rage Rant of the Week. This one’s too damned fun to give up. Because Greg Schiano gets angrier than any human I’ve ever seen at even the most innocuous sleights to his team, here’s a series on the only thing that makes me a fraction as angry: idiot drivers.

This week: anyone going to or coming from the post office. I’ve been mailing books all over the country as of late, and unfortunately that means I’ve been making far-too-frequent trips to the post office.

Do you know who goes to the post office anymore?

Weirdos.

Not just weirdos, mind you, but the morons with the “Co-Exist” bumper stickers and all kinds of goofy shit hanging down off of their rear-view mirrors. I guess they’re either sending letters to their Congressman or copies of their newsletter to fellow lunatics at post offices throughout the country.

Not only that, but invariably, when trying to enter or leave the lot of the post office, these morons will check to make sure that they either have everything to mail, or have mailed everything. Regardless, they’ll always come to a full, sudden stop, and dare me to rear-end them.

If I thought no one would find out, I probably would.

4. Varsity Blues

This “classic” has been on Cinemax a lot over the past month or so, and seems oddly prescient for a number of reasons, most notably the emphasis on head trauma back when everyone in the theater was probably yelling, “GIT’ BACK OUT THAR’, BILLY BOB, YA’ PUSS!” It was probably the only time that rednecks and black folks yelled at the screen in equal measure at any movie.

More importantly, though, I wish they had made a sequel about what the hell happened to John Moxon after he ended up at Brown. I have a feeling that the whole “I ain’t GONNA play football in college!” thing would go over about as well as a men’s studies major at Brown, especially once the coach realized that he had an honest-to-God Texas all-state caliber quarterback who was more interested in John Donne than John Madden.

Not to mention that it would be fun to watch Moxon try to spew his pseudo-intellectual bullshit to his new friends and try to act smart, only for all of them to realize that they didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about. What am I saying? Get James Vanderbeek on the phone—we can make a series out of this!

3. Django Unchained

We’re in the middle of Oscar season now. I’m going to ruin the suspense and throw all of my support behind Django.

Going in, I thought it might just be a vehicle for Tarantino to use racial slurs like a drunken Irishman without any recourse.

Uh…no.

Tarantino gets amazing performances from all of his actors, and crafts a thought-provoking, emotional, action-packed semi-Western that really was a joy to watch. I wish they could give Best Supporting Actor to Christoph Waltz, Leo, and Sam Jackson combined, though if I can only pick one, I’d go with Waltz. I’d even give Best Actor to Jamie Foxx, gun to my head, over Affleck. Cannot recommend this movie highly enough while it’s still in theaters.

2. Chris Carpenter (Sort of) Retires

I can just imagine the Cardinals dragging Chris Carpenter away from the podium as he announced his semi-retirement:

“Let me go…LET ME GO! I can walk myself out…”

/Cards officials let him go

/Carp immediately bolts to the film room to start watching Cubs tape

What a competitor! I’m guessing Carpenter felt like John Rambo in a Vietnamese prison camp up at that podium. You know what that means? Watch your back, Mo…he’s coming to get you…

1. Joe Flacco at Disney World

“Excuse me little boy…” Joe Flacco would say as he held several Mickey Mouse balloons  strung with piano wire and wore a vintage pair of mouse ears.

“Yes sir?” the youngster would reply.

“Where are the…dangerous rides?”

“Uh…you mean like Space Mountain?”

Flacco would tilt his head and bit his tongue.

“I already tried this ‘Space Mountain,’ and it’s just a roller coaster.”

“Splash Mountain?”

“THAT’S A FLU—that’s a flume ride…” Flacco would almost lose his shit before he would lean in toward the kid with a hand up against his mouth. “Aren’t there any bum fights or ‘running man’-type things I can do here?”

The kid’s eyes would grow wide, “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout that, mistah—“

“CUT THE HORSESHIT!” Flacco would grab the youngster’s arm. “I know that you know!”

The kid’s eyes would narrow, his innocent cadence would morph into a sinister, British accent, “My, my, aren’t we in a hurry?” the kid would ask menacingly. “You’re about to go down a rabbit hole so ugly, so evil that there may be no turning back once you’re down it.”

“I’ll take my chances…” Flacco would say with a grin.

“Very well. But I warned you.” The kid would grab Flacco’s hand and wrench him toward the one place even Joe Flacco was afraid to tread:

“No…dear God, no! Anything but that!”

But Flacco’s pleas would fall on deaf ears.

The kid would drag him inside the back entrance to “It’s a Small World.”

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So there you go—see, that wasn’t so bad, was it? I’d love to hear feedback from folks who stop by fairly regularly: what works, what doesn’t, etc. Fell free to let me know in the comments, or email me at djgelbooks@gmail.com. Thanks for reading…

D.J. Gelner is a fiction and freelance writer from St. Louis, Missouri. His novel, Jesus Was a Time Traveler, is available on Kindle, Nook, Sony Kobo, and in paperback. Follow him on twitter (@djgelner) or facebook (here). E-mail him at djgelbooks@gmail.com